It’s taken me a while to post this run. On screen it looks pretty good, but in actual fact it wasn’t. My training cycle for Berlin has been quite haphazard, going on holiday for a month towards the end didn’t help and being in a location where personal safety was an issue didn’t help. That hasn’t been the biggest problem though. It’s taken me until this weekend to realise that I am still locked in grief for my best friend, Ken, who left us in May. Grief is a strange beast and affects us all in different ways. Many of my friends know that I’m not myself, but can’t put their finger on why. Some say I’m distant, distracted, hard to make plans with, less reliable, less fun. Many take it personally, when the truth is, I’m just sad. There is a hole that for now can’t be filled. I’m sleeping less well, probably eating less well and for a certainty running less well. I know all this, but I struggle to care. I haven’t fallen out of love with running any more than I have fallen out of love with my friends, it’s just my motivation is low. A lot of the time I just can’t be bothered. I don’t need lifting up or distracting, I just need time. I truly believe that it does heal.
So back to this run. I hadn’t really run for 3 weeks and went straight into a 25km run. The first 18km were fine, the last 7 were the miles from Hell. I really struggled and finished exhausted. For the first time since London in April I suffered DOMS after this run. I know, go figure. None of this bodes well for Berlin. I fully expect to run out of gas somewhere in the second half and that I’ll struggle to bring it home. But if the past 5 months have taught me anything, it’s how to struggle through. So I will get round, it won’t be quick, it won’t be pretty. I’ll run with my best friend in my thoughts, because his loss has coloured everything about this marathon.
I miss you my friend.